A few months ago, I watched my world as I knew it crumble into dust. I lost someone I cared so much about due to wrong choices I had made. This person wanted nothing to do with me when I wanted so badly to make right my wrongs. I wanted them to want to work through it and rebuild what had been broken. But we all have agency, and they chose to close the door. I felt alone, I felt abandoned, I felt hurt and I felt lost. I spent months in therapy trying to understand, trying to heal. I felt broken inside when I prayed every night for a second chance. I cried myself to sleep so many times I lost count. I started to have panic attacks in the middle of the night which then made me fear falling asleep. I was exhausted and so confused as to why I was dealing with this. I started to address traumatic events in my past during therapy, but it only seemed to reopen closed wounds. I felt awful about my past, especially events where the choices of others harmed me and my mind. I believed my insecurities and had convinced myself I was no good. I had no idea what to do and was losing my mind.
On two recent occasions, I was wrongly accused of something by this person and it hurt me and broke down all that was left of me. I struggled with the idea that someone saw me for who I was not. I blocked every connection to them: family, friends, and even people I had never seen or heard of. Any reminder would be too much. That moment threw me into a deep depression. Life was scary and oftentimes I questioned if it was worth living. There's nothing scarier than having those thoughts. I worried so much about what people thought of me and how I wasn't living up to their expectations of who I should be. I wanted to show that who I am was not what I was being made out to be. I wanted to prove and redeem myself, but could find no way. This brought me lower and lower and I realized I needed direction. That time became more than just a broken heart or being confused and lost. It was time to cry for help.
I desperately sought for peace and comfort. I looked to Christ to heal me and I started to spend my nights praying on my knees instead of crying in my bed in the fetal position. Of course I had nights where the fetal position was all I could do to make it through, but I held on tighter to what I knew was true in those moments. I increased my therapy sessions to twice a week. I tried to learn about my mind and how experiences can build us and break us. One of the hardest parts was having to smile through the pain to ensure no one else had to take my burdens upon them.
But that's where I was wrong. We are meant to carry each other's burdens and to comfort those who stand in need of comfort. When I finally understood that, my eyes started to open. I saw my Savior in the people he sent to serve and love me. I've had people with the most beautiful hearts come into my life and they've helped me to realize how important I am to God and how there's a great work for me to do. I'm sure many of them don't know the impact they've made, but I thank God for them everyday.
It's been 4 months of what I see as me going through my own Gethsemane. I think we all need those moments so that we turn to Christ who truly suffered in Gethsemane. Who better to help us than the one who endured what we'll never have to endure, who endured the pains we do feel so that we can be succored, and who loves us all perfectly.
I learned that I am worth it. My life is worth it. I learned that you NEED to love people for their heart, not judge them by their mistakes. I've learned that it's important to love yourself and to forgive yourself. I don't care so much what people think of me because now I understand who I am. I'm not defined by the opinions of others. I am much more than that. I am divine in nature, but still imperfect. I try my best, but sometimes I'm going to fail. It takes courage to start over and pick yourself back up. I know that where I was left behind, all will me made up to me as I live my life to qualify for future blessings.
Time and divine love heals all. If Christ loves me, I have no reason not to love myself or others. Do I have regrets? Of course! But dwelling on regrets can't change the past or undo mistakes.
I hope someday the person I lost will truly forgive me, the kind of forgiveness Christ speaks of. The kind of forgiveness that heals and rebuilds. I am at peace and I pray they are too, but I wish there was a way to make it right. I hope one day our paths do cross again, but only with kind hearts willing to see one another as the Savior does.
I love who I am now. I love that I'm imperfect. Why? Because now I seek after Him who can make me perfect one day. I welcome the bruises and scrapes because I know they heal and they make me stronger. I'm still getting through little by little, but I'm more hopeful than ever. I know my depression is losing its grasp over me because I draw closer to the light with each and every day that goes by.
So no filters today. My smile and my nose make me self-conscious, I think my eyes are ginormous, and I hate washing my hair and sometimes pay my hair stylist weekly to just do it instead. But who cares!!!! I love me, imperfections and all. Just me and all that I am. And I'm perfectly okay with that :)