Some Bona Fide Humor By Whitney Hughes

"Like most things in life, I didn't see it coming. 

I'm in Phoenix, Arizona with my best friend in the entire universe, Nikki. Life is good, right? But i'm feeling like I should probably kiss a boy. Because that's what you do when you're 21 and reckless and in a foreign place.

Life is short, eh? All we have is now, or whatever.

So of course, I've got to break down that goal into a smaller goal. Goal 1: get tan so that I look good, so that I can make out with a boy. Goal 2: Find a boy, so that I can make out with a boy. Feel me? So off I go into the sun, without sunscreen so that I can get tan in a short period of time because time is of the essence, amiright? Less tanning, more finding.

Well, you know that I'm fair A F and that my shoulders and chest HAVEN'T SEEN THE SUN IN FOREVER because I am Canadian and we live in the North Pole. So what happens? Well, I get  A THIRD DEGREE BURN. We're talking puss-blood-scab skin that has crumpled up like tree bark, ALL OVER MY BODY. IT'S FINE. 

Okay, so there I am basically an invalid because of how much pain i'm in. But Nikki has a cousin who knows someone who knows someone so we're eventually invited to this party in Mesa, to float down the salt water river, in the middle of the night. Sounds like so much fun. And I may or may not have checked the Facebook invite and saw that there were a million gorgeous boys attending. Therefore my ultimate goal could be met at this party. Okay, so time to cut my losses. I have to do something with my skin, right?

So I come up with this genius plan to make a scrub. You know. To SCRAPE OFF MY SKIN TO THE VERY LAST LAYER BEFORE I DIE. So I can be nice and smooth, obviously. This is going to be a great night. 

Well I can't scrub my back by myself, now can I? So I ask Nikki if she'd be willing to scrub my back. And she's kind of a weirdo, so she says yes. She even offered to make the scrub. How thoughtful. 

It occurs to me that we should do Le Scrubbing near the end of my shower because my skin will then have time to soften up from the steam. So there I am naked. I call for Nicole. I tell her, okay let's be real, I'll sit on the edge of the tub, with my back to you. You can scrub my back and shoulders, and NO PEEKING.

So Nicole. My dear sweet Nicole. 

She went into the pantry to make a little scrub. She found all these good things. Coconut oil. Olive oil. But what to use as the exfoliate? Well she chooses sugar. SUGAR IN THE RAW. YOU KNOW THE KIND THAT IS ROUGH AS HELL WITH ALL THESE MICROSCOPIC EDGES THAT CAUSE LITTLE MICROSCOPIC CUTS IN MY FLESH AS SHE'S SCRUBBING MY NOW NON-EXISTENT SKIN. 

WELL THE PAIN BECOMES INTOLERABLE SO I START SQUIRMING A LITTLE AND MAYBE CRYING. AND BECAUSE I'M WET, WELL I SLIP OFF THE EDGE OF THE TUB AND SMACK MY HEAD ON THE PORCELAIN. SO THERE I AM WRITHING IN PAIN ABOUT TO PASS OUT UNCONSCIOUS BUTT-ASS NAKED IN THE TUB AND NICOLE IS DYING OF LAUGHTER ON THE GROUND. I CAN'T EVEN MAKE MYSELF DECENT BECAUSE EVERYTHING HURTS AND I'M SLIPPERY. SO I'M JUST SLIDING AROUND THE TUB NAKED AS A NEW-BORN BABE. DYING. SLOWLY. 

Well. After a few hours of lying in this dark abyss, I managed to pull myself together and get dressed and ready for this party. My skin did in fact look a little bit better. RED AND INFLAMED A F, BUT BETTER. At least it wasn't flaky. Or barky-y...Tonight was still my night. 

Okay so we get to the parking lot of the river. SO MANY CUTE BOYS OH BABY AND SOME OF THEM SEEM REALLY STUPID SO THAT'S RIGHT UP MY ULTIMATE-GOAL-ALLEY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'. We're all conversing and blowing up our tubes and i'm just surveying my prey. Time to float!

Well I take one step into the river and the current is a little faster than I anticipated so I WIPE THE FREAK OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Naturally. 

But it's okay. I'll just regain my cool and shake it off, you know? If anything, I'm adaptable. But well, I lost one of my flip flops down the river. OFF TO A GREAT START, I SEE. Well i'm not losing the other one, so I'M CONSTANTLY SQUEEZING MY TOE CRACK TOGETHER TO THE POINT OF CRAMPING TO HANG ON TO THAT SUCKER. 

It's okay. Nothing could be better than floating down the river and getting to know some boys. 

But secretly everyone already knew each other and suddenly we've divided into these little tube-raft countries, and we were being discriminated against. 

ALSO  NO ONE TOLD ME THAT THE RIVER HAD MONKIN' WHITE WATER RAPIDS IN THEM. SO NICOLE AND I ARE JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE! SO WE TIE OUR TUBES TOGETHER AND HOLD ONTO EACH OTHER FOR DEAR LIFE AND PRAY. 

Here's the thing about rapids. They're caused by fast water rushing over rocks. Like SHARPS ONES. THAT HIDE JUST BENEATH THE WATER SURFACE AND DEMOLISH UNSUSPECTING ASSES -IN -TUBES. So if you don't want to get yo rear-end GRINDED RIGHT OFF, you basically have to plank on your tube going over a rapid. So there I am, abs engaged, toe-cramping, head pounding, skin searing, screaming my lungs out, hanging onto my equally hysterical friend, rushing over the salt water rapids. PARADISE, EH?

Well it gets worse. I know you're wondering how it could be worse. But I am telling you, it does. 

In the midst of focusing so intently on keeping what remained of my body left intact, I LOST TRACK OF OUR DIRECTION. SO THERE GOES THE LITTLE UN OF RAFTS, DOWN THE LEFT STREAM. AND HERE NIKKI AND I GO. DOWN THE RIGHT; THE BLACK DIAMOND OF THE SALT WATER RIVER. 

LONG STORY SHORT; (TOO LATE) while the hundreds of others seemed to be expertly navigating this river-course and enjoying themselves immensely, I ended up flying right into some MONKIN' TREES ON THE SIDE OF THE RIVER. YOU KNOW THE KIND THAT HAVE GNARLY BRANCHES THAT STICK OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE AND RIP FLESH RIGHT OFF. 

SO THERE I AM. MY BACK IS BLEEDING. MY FLESH IS MELTING. I'M SHOE-LESS. HOPE-LESS.

And I STILL HAVE TO MAKE THE TREK BACK TO THE PARKING LOT. WITHOUT A SHOE. So i'm just stepping on shale and broken bottles. But my skin was glowing.

MORAL OF THE STORY. I GOT MORE ACTION FROM WILD-LIFE THAN FROM AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING. So don't have goals.

Le Fin."

Dying over this post by intern Whitney Hughes. Let's call this your weekend reminder from Team BB that rarely nothing trunks out as planned and most importantly... WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN.