Christina Boyce's Depression Story
I know all too well how depression is a taboo topic for many. Don't talk about it because then you look weak. Talk about it so you can seek help. What you feel is all made up. Can't you just be positive!?
It's all these stupid antics that make people struggling with depression slip further into a dark hole. We already can't comprehend how we feel or why we feel it. Now we are made to believe we are some sort of alien life form that is polluting the world with our negativity. Well the only way to solve the problem is to end our lives it seems.
I was on Be Bona fide's page the other day and a quote came up saying "Storms don't last forever". I literally paused for a minute and realized. There are a million people in this world and if I can help one person by sharing my story, it's worth admitting that this quote has never been more true!
Let me take you back with me to high school. I was 15 maybe 16 and trying desperately to find my place in the world. The cool kids liked me, but not enough to truly be "one of them." The jocks were always better at sports, no matter how hard i tried at my own attempts. The SCA kids were always just a little bit more put together than myself. I was pretty, but not pretty enough it seemed. Nothing was ever good enough.
My parents loved me and church was a constant. I believed in a God who loved me more than I loved myself. I had friends who meant the world to me and I was involved in school. From the outside looking in I had a good life. That's the problem. No one wants to show they are losing it. We want so badly for the world around us to see us as "put together."
I hit an age where I was defiant against my parents. It was a constant battle of wills and I felt they never understood me. I laugh looking back at it because, I was a teenager who knew so little about life. Young love came and went a few times and it was devastating. They always moved on to something better.
As a teenager it's easy to think the world is going to stay exactly as it is. The people around you will dominant the opinions of your life. You will always look this way, act this way, feel this way. WRONG. What you forget is that with each passing year you mature. You grow in your thoughts and your reactions to the world around you. Friends come and go, making way for new relationships. The boy you loved in high school, more than likely will not be the man you want to marry ten years down the road.
I was so caught up in my own depression and misery that I literally couldn't see pass the dark cloud that haunted my every waking moments. I'd hide away in my room hoping for the day to end. I'd attempt to cut myself to give way to my frustration. I contemplated which would hurt worse, a shot gun blow to the head or the minutes ticking by if I hung myself. I was too weak to attempt either. It wasn't until one day I snuck up to my moms room, downed a half bottle of Nyquil and went to bed hoping to drift off to death.
As painful as that last paragraph was, it is all too true for so many young adults these days. Depression is a disease that eats away at rational thought and logic. You get to a point where death seems an easy remedy for the pain inside your heart and mind. They want to talk about it, but who truly gives the time to listen to someone that is extremely depressed? You want to believe people care, but truth is, everyone wants to sugar coat life. Everyone has their own issues so they brush off others cries for help.Just the other day, my inlaws neighbor had shot herself in a botched suicide attempt. She died later that day in the hospital. All I could think about was the pain she must have been feeling to follow through with such a horrible ending. If only someone could have talked to her that day, would her mood have changed?
I thank God daily that I woke up from my medicated sleep. I thank God I was too dumb to take the whole bottle. I thank God for the years following that day. The simple fact that I am alive has created four beautiful new lives. I made someone a wife. I made four people grandparents. I watched my sister get married and become a mother. I will see my other sister graduate college, the first of our family. I have lived and loved and seen amazing things.
A storm never last a lifetime. It comes in full of power and destruction and then drifts off to leave sunshine and rainbows. Yes there are times it will destroy things in its path, but nothing that can't be rebuilt. There will always be something beautiful at the end of the darkest times.
I think everyday about the depression that lingered over me. I think about how the most selfish act I could make would have caused me to never look in the eyes of my children or kiss the lips of my husband. How you react to your pain, does affect more than just you. There are always going to be other people at the end of your decisions in life.
Almost 15 years later and I can proudly say I am not the same girl I was during those days. I barely talk to any of the people from high school. My first crushes have long left my memory. I am good at being a mom and wife. I love my family and the life we have created. I am closer to God than I have ever been. Nothing will remain the same, and that's the beauty of it all. You will grow and become something so much more than what you see in that faint moment of time. Don't let it get the best of you.
If you get nothing more from this simple blog let it be this. Your life was created for an absolute purpose. You may not know what it is at this moment, but that does not diminish that one day soon it will come to the forefront. You are a beautiful being that matters.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression please seek help. I have learned that through the feelings leads to a better understanding of what is truly at the root of it all. You are not alone, trust me. There is someone out there who knows EXACTLY what you are feeling. Never hesitate to reach out for a helping hand.